Ok here's the thing.
I'm really not as stupid as I can make myself out to be. The reason why I do act in total ignorance of certain obvious facts is because, like half of this naive world: I am in denial. There you go. I'm not denying my state of denial. But I do want to put forward a sort of explaination.

It's called hope. If there was no hope in our lives then can you imagine how dull it would be?
The odds are against a situation. But you deny it and aim there anyway, because of that sliver of light that attracts you like a fly to a lamp. Hope pulls on your weaknesses and drags you in. In the end, there only one most likely situation. It is when the gap of light slowly closes it's door. Just when you get close enough to reach out and touch it, you are blinded by the darkness of a new situation you have been trying to hard to put out of the scene. Disapointment.



People seek advice from their friends for two different purposes.

one: They feel crap about it but are in complete denial of their situation, they seek comfort from their buddy. So their friend will tell them exactly what they want to feel. These are the friends who pry open that gap, letting the light shine a little brighter in the victim's denying face.

two: They feel crap about it and are in denial of their situation. But going to this friend brings things back into retrospect. Instead of helping that denial spread like lice, they offer a torch light to see through that dark cave of reality.

My friends used to come to me when they were in denial because I was the type of friend who knew how to say exactly what they wanted to hear. And when things didn't work out, they came to me for a crying shoulder. In contrast to my personal constant state of denial, Recently i've changed into the other type of friend. I've been disapointed to many times to want to spread the denial.

So here's the question which has been eating at my conscience: which is better? Does one stay in denial, hanging onto a string of hope, with the more than likely end in disapointment. Or should we accept defeat at the early signs - save the disapointment later on; kill the hope.

posted by EmTay at 5:38 AM 0 Comments

Why is it that so often we get tied up in these big-ass dilemmas of ours: It causes pain, and tears, and sometimes - a hell of a lot of sacrifice, which turns out to bring you right back to square one. The only difference now is that you are tired, frustrated and drained out of your senses, asking yourself "why"? Why is it that you've just put yourself through hell.

The answer doesn't exist; but you look to the sky and see a solution floating down from the empty blueness above. No, it's not a gift from heaven; it's been hanging over your head all along. You've considered this solution, dissed it as a last resort. But really, honestly, it is the only solution. And almost always it's the simplest one: The lesson you've been taught since young.
*don't take gifts from strangers*
The first doubt that even came to your head:
*Man, He's acting kinda dodgy*
It is the solution that makes the most sense in the world.
But sometimes, most times, it is just too hard for us to accept.

Sacrifice. Now thats something that can change the universe.

posted by EmTay at 6:03 AM 0 Comments

So lately I've been having really bad dreams. Mum blames it on the giant chinese mushrooms [especially bought in bulk from malaysia once every two years when we visit and strangely enough when the family eats them for dinner we all wake up with epic tales of flying-man-eating goats or a skeleton nanny pushing a pram full of piranas]. Damn, we should really learn not to eat those mushies.

But instead of random random nightmares after a chinese meals of mushrooms, I've been having these dreams of which I wake up feeling like I've just walked out of another life that I am living. It's tiring, and it's every night and It's haunting me!. So, because it is the only way I know that will comfort me - I'm finding myself procrastinating a mountain load of biology homework and blogging about it. And yes, I have already spilled it to my friends; hour-long phonecalls have found only to provide confort to a certain extent, afterwhich, I'm on my own again.

Maybe it's the coming of school holidays, resulting in sleep at strange hours for varying periods of time. And it's almost definately because of the overwhelming course of events directly and indirectly associated with me which have occured lately. But, as much as i enjoy the feeling of living two sperate lives; one of which I am a sad little girl with a load of average teenage girl problems and the other where I am running this undercover life, however, unlike in the books, I'm not winning- I just want things to go back to how they used to be!

That's my rant for today. I know it is incomplete, which maybe, is most appropriate to my current situation But I really must go and lead my average homework filled life now.

posted by EmTay at 6:53 PM 0 Comments

This is a nothing post.
My mood at the moment : Nothingness.I don't know what to feel. My thoughts are too hurried for me to pick one up and wave it around in front of my face for examination. I feel - anxious [about what? I have no clue] also feeling lazy (what's new?). all this is coupled with the feeling of guilt. Done some pretty dumb things lately. Said some pretty stupid things. The thing is; I am feeling so confused and anxiuous and hasted because there are things that I would usually turn around and say "I'm sorry" for that now I am debating. I don't want to live this life of giving away my soul to me moulded by friends who can't accept who I really am. But who am I, really? And is this phase of me not acknowledging when I'm wrong just a sudden wave of self-ego that I desperately need to shove off.? Don't get me wrong, I have always been a supporter of admitting defeat if it means keeping the peace, and certainly I like to think that I am big enough to say sorry for things that I know I am in the wrong for. Often too, I am the one who takes the blame when something is getting way out of hand.

But something that really bugs me is when the act of apologizing - after all the effort, the shame and downright pain it takes at times to say it- Is just dissed away. The other side of the fence has been begging for your understanding, when that is given, no appreciation. So you go one step further, to keep a friendship, to save another friend from the pain you have suffered, you oversee the lack of empathy for your efforts and put in a little more. You say sorry. Apologizing for a deed that you didn't do. Because obviously they are never going to try and undertsand your situation. But what if even that is not acknowledged? The whole deal is forgotten about, which is the next best thing. And maybe, with some time, it'll all just float on by. Without a second glance, and things may just go back to the way they used to be. But the other party just doesn't seem to ever want you to forget. They bring it up again. Blaming you again. this time, they take it out on your friends too. The ones you fought so hard to protect. It really was a watse of effort. Where did all that pain go? nowhere. Instead, the situation is back in the open. and you're expected to do the impossible. To change the past and make it better. This hole is getting deeper.

I guess that doesn't make sense to anyone but me why I am being such a dick lately. In short, I can't be screwed sacrificing myself and giving away acts of apology and sympathy for not even a glimpse of appreciation in return. This spinning wheel is turning backwards and the more pain I put in, the more pain it gives back.

posted by EmTay at 11:12 PM 0 Comments

posted by EmTay at 6:19 AM 0 Comments

Pfft. You thinks that all your problems will be solved by distancing yourself from reality. Take it from me, my friend, denial is the wrong road. Inevitebly, shit will happen. And it's not really about you saving your poor damaged soul and turning your back on other people. What happened to all that talk about betrayal? Maybe you're not the person I thought. Maybe you just have to learn this lesson first.

Your friends are suffering, people are crying out for your support, or for your heart. And what have you got to give in return? nothing.

I promised myself at the start of this year that I would call it quits with the bitching. Yeah, the bitching stopped, but so did the listening to friends bitch. And after i stopped listening, the caring stopped too. Then my friends just stopped coming to me altogether.

I was living a content life. But I had separated myself so much from those I loved and cared about that it was really a life of denial, and ignorance. I knew shit was happening. And they were happening to my friends. Sometimes I questioned, and listened. But in this attempt to stop the goss, I avoided acting apon my empty words. The help was lost.

So this is my new resolution, as I've said before. I hope to be the best friend I could ever be. My priorities lie with those I love, above my own selfish ambitions. Because without you, my dear friends, I am nothing. :)

posted by EmTay at 1:07 AM 0 Comments

I know I can be careless at times. And I know that I made a mistake by now watching my steps more carefully today. But you saw what happened. Please, God, can you give me this chance for once and I will NOT screw around with it again. I promise. I am sorry for what I have done. And can't you see that I am trying my hardest? I don't know what I am doing wrong in every other aspect so please, God, ... please.

posted by EmTay at 1:46 AM 0 Comments

posted by EmTay at 12:52 AM 0 Comments

posted by EmTay at 11:21 PM 0 Comments

I found it incredibly amusing when checking my emails today to find a email about this blog. I mean, as far as I'm concerned this page is simply a waste of space on the world wide web- unobtainable by the random browser. Heck, I've even tried purposely *stumbling* upon it *by accident* and through all the googling, couldn't find it. So I could say that the email that I received brought a small grin of self-pride to my dial...

Only to discover soon after that "your blog from Liechtenstein has been selected to appear on our newly established sight which maps blogs of interest around the world." Hmmm, Liechtenstein ey? Well I guess there was some good that came from me boasting a fake country on my not quite real(istic) blog site. So the email was not a long-winded praising letter from a dedicated fan but from desperate group who sent emails to every possible blog on the net.

Anyhoo, knowing the general kindness and appreciation of a good blasphemicuous thought shared by those of Liechtenstein, I decided that it would be an honour for me and my little unknown blog to represent this great country (in this particular site at least). With will and enthusiasm I shall be the best Liechtensteiner I can possibly be and please feel free to kick me out of your country if you think (and I on the most part agree) that I should "go back to your (my) own country!"

*Phew* This may be hard. So I took the first step in visiting this site of the geographical location of blogs http://www.verveearth.com/ . And after spending the first few minutes working out where the hell I was and how the hell the whole thing worked. I tried looking for my newly famous blog. I can't say it was my particularly most confident moment when (from knowing absolutely nothing about the geographic location of Liechtenstein) I begun my search in the middle of Africa - literally. Luckily the presence of a search bar at the top of the page came to my attention, in which I happily typed in the country and waited for a find.

- no find?!? i believe *BLASPHEMY* is the appropriate exclamation to insert here.
again I tried, in vain to find the location of this country (I was sure i didn't just make up the country!). and again.. until I re-assessed the country name i had typed into the search bar and compared this to the actual spelling of Liechtenstein. Those Liechtensteiners obviously don't follow the rule -'i' before 'e' except after 'c' - Do they even speak English?

I'm sorry, my fellow Liechtensteiners, if I am letting you guys down. But don't worry mate, this AWL (Aussie Wannabee Liechtenstein) will get it someday =] gimme time ok?

posted by EmTay at 10:46 PM 0 Comments

Dear Friends, Non-Friends, Aunties, Uncles, Family, World in general and Me,

I do not want a boyfriend. When are you going to get that little fact into your little heads? I mean, how hard a concept could it possibly be. You go on about sacrificing everything and doing your absolute best to get a satisfactory mark in VCE and but then look at me with mouths hanging (and is that a trail of drool I see?) when I say "I'm not going to get a boyfriend this year - or the next".

It's not because I'm frigid - well I probably am to some extent but certainly not half as frigid as those kiddos that run off with the first guy that asks them out; only to break up with them 3 weeks later because of a sheer lack of realising that she didn't even know him. and No, it's not even completely because I am trying to be the best nerd I can possibly be for the last two years of my schooling life [however I must say that plays a major part in the decision].

"then WHY Em? Why not?" - seems to be the hot question of the mo.
Well I'll tell you.


I look at all the relationships that my friend's have got into and honestly- seriously- I cannot think of a single relationship where I would willingly swap shoes with the girl in it. I'm not scared of the pain or the commitment. I know it would be hard. But aren't you meant to feel good at the end of the day? I've come across a hell of a lot of stupid guys/boys/dudes whatever you call them, who really don't know what the hell a girlfriend is for. And I don't blame you either - I mean, you reach puberty and then *BAM* rush of testosterone [800 or so times stronger than the oestrogen in girls so I've been told] sees that guys left and right, up and down, are finding any and every girl attractive. Why are you asking out that girl? Do you really see yourself with her in 6 months time? Is that flirting or did you mistaken that pretty girl simply being friendly?

Then you have the opposite end of the spectrum. A girl is asked out by a guy who she never really thought as more than a friend. But now she knows that he's thinking otherwise it sends warm fuzzies down her spine - and heart. She tries it out , can't hurt much can it? And Plus, everyone else has a boyfriend; why not?

And this is where the why of the not comes in. It only takes one sane person in a relationship for it to work. Say, a boy asks a girl out - his heart isn't in it. Sane girl would realise this and say no. But if the right boy comes along that same sane girl may say yes. Happy ending right? Well I'm not that girl. I know I'm just like the rest; stupid and vunerable. and insane to say the least. If the right boy comes along and begs for my heart how do I know he's not like the others?

Everytime I am asked why I don't have a boyfriend I find myself fighting my heart a little harder not to simply go out and get one. I'm writing this in an effort to convince myself, not everyone else that I don't want a boyfriend. [as if they'd care for the reason anyway] So it would help- just a bit- if you'd help me and stop questioning my already wavering decision and just shut up. Okey-dokey smokey?

I've been in the middle of that a crowd testosterone fingers pointing their dirty little hands at me- from all angles. I'm victim to the warm fuzzies of being liked by someone who you really shouldn't like back. I've falled inflatuated with the guy who hardly knows I exist. And I've felt that pain of waiting. and waiting.

This is where it stops. With the last ounce of sanity I have - or what most would call insanity - I'll say no to all of them. I'll ignore the pressure and treasure my single life. I won't make the mistake of losing a good friend over lust.



Just making it clear.

lots of love,
Em

posted by EmTay at 12:04 AM 0 Comments

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rE-wind time

Stuff that makes your heart go YAAY and your dial go SMILEE

10 best sleepover RomComs&ChickFlicks

just some of the movies that I can watch over and over again

10 of the wackiest ways to eat CHEESE!

I'm a cheese freak. what can I say? Nevertheless, TRY THEM!

10 of my most common ways to procrastinate

(10 is too small a number for this list)

10 random facts about me

RANDOM is the word!

10 things you'd have to PAY me to eat

this is a hard one, considering I eat ANYTHING

sites worth taking a second look at

this is an evergrowing list, gonna have to break the "10 things" only rule